The Gibbons

While living in Hong Kong, I spent most of my lunches at the local zoo watching a family of buff-cheeked gibbons.*  They seemed like a perfect family unit of father, mother and three kids.  The mother spent most of her time tending to the needs of the baby girl. The two boys swung around the cage playing tag or follow-the-leader while the father lounged on the treetops, snoozing away until he was called to settle a fight between the mischievous boys.  They all seemed content and happy in their roles, reminding me of the classic American family we used to see on television like Leave it to Beaver, Father Knows Best or The Brady Bunch. We would see a father coming home every day with briefcase in hand, the mother happily cooking in high-heels and pearls, waiting to greet her perfect husband at the door, and the kids getting into trouble with the neighbors.  These are the images which so many of us, when starting a relationship and family, fall prey to.  Though we may not expect the woman to strictly tend to her housewifely duties or the man to saunter off alone to work every day, we still search for a form of familial perfection along the lines of the classic American family.  This unrealistic expectation creates a void between the everyday realities of life and our cultural image of how families and relationships ought to be; thereby feeding the discontent and disappointment we experience in relationships because we’re chasing a dream that does not exist.

Compounding the problem is the fact that we live in a world where the traditional lines of gender, social class, race, ethnicity, religion and even nationality have faded and we find ourselves in a melting pot of competing values and interests. Unlike the gibbons, there isn’t a clear distinction between male and female, husband and wife or father and mother. The traditional notions of these roles are outdated and incompatible with reality as we now live in an economy where both husband and wife are required to work in order to pay the bills and women are afforded the same opportunities as men.  As such, men and women find themselves competing in the same economic sphere and competing against each other. The female role has expanded from caretaker to provider while the male role has diminished from sole provider to co-provider.

We then face the challenge of differing and competing values, interests and beliefs resulting from the social-cultural influences in which we are educated and live in.  So a white, Protestant, Scottish male, for instance, will have one notion of male-female, husband-wife and father-mother roles while a Buddhist, Chinese-American female will have a different one. As a result, expectations, values, goals and interests will inevitably differ.  One may be seeking an all-consuming, westernized ideal of love while the other may simply be seeking companionship; or one may view children as a priority while the other is all about self-development and career.  Unlike the gibbons again, we are not limited to our family or genus as our ape family is.  Our options extend beyond the social culture which we live in, so we are faced with inter-racial, multi-ethnic and inter-national relationships that transcend social and geographic boundaries.

In light of these challenging circumstances, how does a relationship survive?  Perhaps it is time we abandon the gender-specific labels and convert to something more functional that is defined by the individuals in a relationship rather than by society.  Like a business or sports team, there is generally a clear division of labor and responsibility, where the role of each member is defined in the playbook or in job descriptions.  The role played by each member is then based on his/her strengths, weaknesses, credentials, qualifications and personal interests.  Connecting one member to the other is an overarching philosophy and vision in which the team or organization is built upon.  So it is a matter of communicating, understanding and cultivating each member in terms of those roles, philosophy and vision that ensures a strong, successful and satisfied team. In terms of relationships, the same should be considered: each member plays a role that contributes to the overall goals and dreams of the relationship.

* Buff-cheeked gibbons are small apes that come from the southeastern region of Asia.  Female gibbons are golden-yellow in color, contrasting beautifully against their black, male counterparts.  Mates are monogamous, living in nuclear families consisting of the mated pair and 0 to 4 dependent offspring.  The children stay with the parents for 6 to 8 years before moving away to establish territories and families of their own.  For more information on these wonderful creatures, go to:

http://animaldiversity.ummz.umich.edu/site/accounts/information/Nomascus_gabriellae.html

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Tags: divorce, family, gender roles, love theory, marriage, philosophy of love, relationship roles, relationships, social culture, social influences

This entry was posted on Sunday, September 6th, 2009 at 11:41 pm and is filed under All Posts, Love Theory.