The Purpose of Relationships
The one question I always found difficult to answer, especially when asked by a significant other or a hope-to-be-significant-other is “What are you looking for in a relationship?” I would stammer and falter through the answer, trying to piece it together as I hear the words come out of my mouth. It’s not because I have never given the question much thought. As a matter of fact, I frequently mull over this question with friends. At one point, I remember naively thinking of relationships as girl meets boy; girl and boy falls in love; girl and boy enters into a relationship and the rest is a matter of history in the making. Relationships, then, were discussed in terms of “who” and the qualities of that “who”, where I would end up with a list of characteristics and traits of the perfect man. It then evolved into relationships as an institution where love was fostered; and under this conception, I was simply looking for the warm fuzzy feelings that came with that love though I had no idea what to do with it once it was found. More recently, relationships were believed to be a stepping stone to marriage, children, family, a home with a picket-white fence – the American dream – though I’ve never been sure of my desire to be a mother or settling down in such a home; and today, relationships are a source of inspiration for my pursuit of a greater, more beautiful life though what that life looks like is still being defined. In a few years, I am sure relationships for me will take on another form. So I’ve always found it difficult to articulate what I look for in a relationship because it changes.
But in a recent conversation, I was asked the question in a way which made me realize why I haven’t been able to articulate an answer: “What is the purpose of a relationship? What am I trying to achieve?” As I pondered this question, I realized I have never looked at relationships as a purpose, as a means to an end. It has always been an end in itself and there lies my problem, the reason (though not the sole reason) for so many failed relationships and frustrated partners – I lacked vision. I ignorantly believed that mutual love was enough to sustain a relationship, so I went about my own projects, expecting my partner to do the same, and only sharing those projects via conversation with no shared interest or joint goals other than wanting the other person to be happy. A relationship as such is essentially a friendship or companionship. There is no shared purpose other than the security of having each other’s company.
Relationships, on the other hand, requires a shared purpose. Just as one needs a purpose in life – something to aspire to, to feel a sense of achievement, growth and self-worth – one needs a purpose in a relationship. An individual without a sense of purpose is lost in life like a couple without a purpose is lost in a relationship. That purpose is how one is able to measure growth and progress. More importantly, that purpose provides a common interest, vision and goal in which both individuals can jointly work towards and share in its successes and failures.
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Hi Meg;
I will second the comment above and say that the initial start of a relationship is thru nature’s work, physical, mental, and then intellectual attraction or alignment. Evidently nobody can box up nature and expect to extract what they when they want it. So approaching a relationship because one needs security, companionships, or whatever requirement there are is already a demanding and complex person. Are we looking for a partner in love/life or a supplier? Are we looking for a (human) relationship or a Service Level Agreement?
I do both right now since I manage two people (of the opposite sex) that have careers in the public eye. So I have to implement Service Level Agrements (per se) when it has to with their career path, but given the public eye, I also have to manage their social side, and expectations of it which should be null. What I usually advise is “if you have an agenda in the social confines, people will sense it and turn away, if you’re non chalant and somewhat “carefree” you may end up with many friends/candidates.”
I believe it is the same with relationships, if you’re coming with a set of requirements, you’re going to restrict your opps if not cancel all of them. If you leave the door open for whomever, then you will be overwhelmed with choices. At that point, you can formulate mentally, who is really going to work for your (not needs but) life.
And then once you have a start of a relationship, I believe we should just keep doing what’s been done that have taken us that far, i.e. don’t tinker with it, don’t jeopardize it, don’t take it for granted, don’t stretch it, just live it. Everything will fall into place over time.
Finally give that relationship some soul with a constant dose of unprescribed romance, great sensuality, and words of love alongside strawberries and dark chocolate…until that first sun ray lights up the side table with the wine bottle, and the cork gently resting on it.
The relationship is now uncorked, and just like wine, it will “taste” better and better with time.
T
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I find it weird to search for the purpose in relationship. You do not fall in love because you expect something from this love. You do not make friends because you want something from friendship. Things happen, emotions overwhelm. Life is just like that. Of course we all search for something in each relationship. The sense of belonging, comfort, security. But is it a purpose? It would be really selfish to strive for those things without giving the same in return. Love, friendship, any relationship is about giving more than about receiving. Else it will never work out, will it? Hence it is wrong to wish for yourself. If we have to see a purpose in relationship it would be sharing.. you know.. like they say “in joy and in sorrow”
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In relation to the “purpose of relationships” – in a way – I sort of feel that I’d rather never have “fallen in love” at all. I sometimes think that I would have been a significantly happier person had I forgone all the hullabaloo of a relationship. Perhaps I might be a more productive person, if it weren’t for the struggles of dealing with relationships. Perchance I would be blissful in my ignorance? I am lonely without a significant other now, because I know what I am missing – I am missing a best friend with benefits – I am missing someone to tell everything to besides my mother. But if I never experienced any of it, then I would never know what it is to “witness [life together]” with someone.
Perhaps this is a bit silly? I think about this often though…
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love your honesty there meg. to me looking for that security and companionship is part of our biology, it is natural to feel the need to be with someone. but life has become so easy to manage on your own that the need for someone else to complement your life is almost masked by a sense of over-independence. as i like to tell people sometimes… don’t be too independent, it can be fun to have someone help you through life. witness it together.
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As promised, here’s a serious piece on the purpose of relationships for you to mull over. Enjoy!
Meg
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