Will I Marry Me?
When my ex-partner and I separated about three years ago, I spent many months afterwards replaying and analyzing each critical moment in our six-year relationship, trying to identify the cause of the break-up. Self-preservation at the time called for a strong sense of self-righteousness and denial; so naturally, I blamed him for all the unhappiness and misery in our relationship. He was the culprit who started all the arguments; he alienated me with his never-ending stream of criticism; he smothered me with his emotional neediness; he comes from a broken family so he was prone to leaving during troubled times; and the list goes on. But when the self-righteousness and denial wore off, and after a period of therapy, support groups and obsessive reading of self-help and relationship books, I realized that the happiness of any relationship starts with the individual. It starts with me.
As I mentioned in my last article, I lacked vision when it came to relationships and without a vision, I was not an active participant, being more involved in my career than my relationship. I was the consummate capitalist and workaholic: working sixteen-hour days, jet-setting around the world, selling my soul to corporate America. At home, more time was spent with my laptop and blackberry than my partner. The relationship was just one of many projects I was working on, so in truth, my partner was an “accessory” (a term he often used when we argued about my lack of participation) to all my other projects. I was naive and ignorant then, believing that a shared bed and residence, joint finances, weekend outings and my personally-guaranteed presence in his life was enough. So after a long bout of deliberation and self-reflection, I had to accept that there was very little I contributed to the relationship that would compel my partner (or anyone else for that matter) to stay: I wasn’t exactly the image of a loving and attentive partner that one would want to fight for.
When thinking about happiness or longevity in a relationship, we generally think of it in terms of whether or not our partner is someone we want to share our future with, or ultimately, someone we want to marry. We look at them in terms of how he or she contributes to our individual happiness and well-being: security, companionship, comfort, a sense of belonging, a sense of purpose, sex, admiration, love, etc. Instead of asking what we, ourselves, contribute to the happiness and well-being of the relationship, we ask “Will that person make me happy?” But just as one’s happiness in life starts with oneself, one’s happiness in a relationship starts with oneself as well. So rather than “Will you marry me?” we should perhaps start by asking “Will I marry me?”
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Rather than asking ourselves if someone could marry us, shouldn’t the question be: What does hapiness mean for me and what do I understand by “a happy relationship”? Because that is the fundamental question… Once we have figured that one out, we can determine whether our partner has the same idea of happiness and only then can a relationship actually flourish.
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Initially, the person who shattered the trust will need to work hard to build the trust back. Showing remorse, being consistent, and understanding their partner’s pain are all very important in building trust.
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Happiness is a mild cigar and relationships are the tonic for our lonely discontent.
Will I marry me? No, apart from being illegal…(gay marriage is not legal here!), why would I want to get married anyway? It’s fun to have a wedding, granted, and a lot of people like wearing the jewellery you get, but in the end we have to be happy with ourselves before we can engage another person fruitfully in a relationship. A point Meg has made repeatedly and I wholeheartedly agree. The key is me. It’s finding the right lock, that’s the problem…
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Hi guys, thanks for this comments i am starting to understand what is love, what is relationship. I love my boy friend and he always ask me why did you love me? i would reply to him i love you because you look handsome. i don’t really get my self but i just love him so much but i never get him a good reason of why i love him? So can any one give me some ideas? thanks.
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Rather than asking ourselves if someone could marry us, shouldn’t the question be: What does hapiness mean for me and what do I understand by “a happy relationship”? Because that is the fundamental question… Once we have figured that one out, we can determine whether our partner has the same idea of happiness and only then can a relationship actually flourish.
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Hello Majikate,
Admitting and recognizing your faults and mistakes is definitely a starting point but it’s a matter of what you do once you’ve admitted and recognized those faults and mistakes that will make the difference in your life. So here’s to self-development and a happy life!
Meg
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i would definitely marry me but i don’t know a lot of people who would say the same! lol
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Oh, honesty.
Speaking of honesty – honestly, I wouldn’t want to marry me. I’d suffocate myself with jealousy and accusations.
I wonder if admitting and recognizing these faults is a start?
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