Dating Is Not for “The Frail”
While out and about one night in San Francisco’s SoMa District, my friend Kari and I ventured into Slim’s to watch a local band called The Frail.* Unlike its name, the band, especially the lead singer and drummer, enthralled the audience with an energetic and spunky performance. It was a different story, however, for the couple standing next to me.
As I stood in the audience scanning the crowd, I spotted this couple who was clearly not in the same frame of mind as all the other Frail fans. Based on the awkwardness and discomfort of their stance, the sidelong glances and the bits of conversation I picked up, it was obviously a date, a first most likely. The guy, who wasn’t ugly but not handsome either, was doing his best to keep the conversation alive, attempting to impress the girl with his insider’s knowledge of the band, the history, the music and its members. The girl, an average-looking twenty-something dressed in the typical trendy-wear you see at rock shows, was apparently unimpressed and didn’t even attempt to feign interest. At one point, I found her perusing the crowd for what I assume to be other male prospects and caught her fixedly staring at a tall, lean, well-dressed gentleman across the floor, the mysterious bad-boy type that draws women like moths to a flame. Witnessing this, I felt myself getting embarrassed and indignant on behalf of her date, finding the whole scene unbearable to watch any further.
Being a newcomer, or rather a re-entrant, to the dating scene, I find the whole dating culture mortifying. I watch these reality-inspired television shows and films like Sex and the City or He’s Just Not That Into You and I wonder why people would participate in this activity that seems to leave more bruises and scars than a game of rugby against the All Blacks. The idea of two random strangers meeting over a pre-planned meal or event for the sole purpose of finding out if they are romantically, sexually, emotionally or intellectually compatible is so contrived and unnatural. The whole process lacks authenticity as both parties are playing a game of seduction, trying to impress and showcase what each perceives to be their most attractive and desirable qualities, while secretly assessing the other’s potential as a partner or ultimately as “the one”.
The few dates I attempted were total disasters, resulting in weeks of self-therapy and bemusement, trying to figure out why these men would suggest or commit to something but then fail to follow through; essentially setting me up to fall. Worse still is finding that I like the person where the anxiety and anticipation of having those feelings reciprocated leaves me in a perpetual state of nausea and sleeplessness. So I commend those who are able to hope on, tarry on and survive the dating world because dating is definitely not for the frail.
*Slim’s is a live music nightclub located in the South of Market (SoMa) District in San Francisco. To check out their show schedule, go to http://www.slims-sf.com/. The Frail is a San Francisco-based indie synthpop band (at least according to critics). To listen to their music, go to http://www.myspace.com/thefrailsf.
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i’m in this band you speak of and just ran into this blog. it’s absolutely hilarious.
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I agree with one of the other posters that dating is like a job interview. Both parties are being fake (generally speaking). Warts aren’t revealed until later on. That’s why I think meeting people in bars or clubs is not a good idea because you don’t get to see their true selves. It’s all a facade. It’s much better to meet people when they’re not trying to be attractive. The only question is how & where.
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Great post! I love to talk about dating, but I never do it. LOL. I am perpetually single and believe that love will need to hit me over the head with that knotty club and drag me into a dark cave one day! Dates are like job interviews, with both parties deciding if the other is right for the position, or just a temporary fill in for the permanent candidate. Job interviews are stressful, anxious, fake versions of yourself, where you put forward only your very best traits and completely disregard and in some cases even lie about your worst ones just to get into something you really think you want, but have no idea is really going to make you happy or miserable after a few months.. when you will start interviewing on the sly for a new “job”!
Yea, I am with you.. dating is a pretty scary business!
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“…and I wonder why people would participate in this activity that seems to leave more bruises and scars than a game of rugby against the All Blacks.” — Perhaps it’s programmed into our DNA that we simply are addicted to hope.
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Very funny article! I can’t agree with you more on the archaic dating ritual that seems so contrived. To quote Friedrich Neitzsche,”It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” We can probably replace “marriage” and find that it is the same for any relationship, i.e. friendship first = happiness.
The point of dating should not be about romantic compatibility or interest, it should be about fostering a new friendship. Not only does that take the pressure off of the dating, it’s through that friendship that one may find a happy relationship and/or marriage and even if no relationship or marriage come out of it, you have at least made your life a little more colorful with a new friend.
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Great article and well stated… dating is not for the frail.
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Just a note on the “excitement” that dating can bring…
http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/blinddate/
Yes it’s a bit out there, but I agree with Victoria in that some people do find the seduction bit exciting.
I am indeed frail and am not always up for the bruising of my ego after dates go awry, however, the seduction part is truly thrilling, and when it’s over…I’m not sure what would keep me interested.
Perhaps, like “Blind Date” (though hopefully under completely different circumstances), going on dates with your partner would be a happy medium to bring the thrill back into day-to-day “comfortable” relationships?
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Nice! I am so that guy. Not the one on the date, the one who draws in women like a moth to a flame. LOL. Anyway, great article.
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Great article! Really funny and so so true! However some people actually find that the seduction game you refer to is what is most exciting in relationships and then get completely bored when the relationship gets to the comfortable “we know each other, companion” stage. Others, on the contrary strive during that comfortable stage. The trick is to find a mate that feels the same during the same stage… Yeah, I know, we never said it was easy!
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Hello All,
According to Dr. Seuss, “When you are in love, you can’t fall asleep because reality is better than your dreams.” I beg to differ. For me, the anxiety resulting from being in love (or from dating) is more like a stomach ache that keeps me awake all night.
Anyway, here’s a light and comical piece on dating. Daters beware… It is definitely not an activity recommended for all (at least not for me).
Hope you enjoy this!
Meg
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